HONOLULU, HAWAII — The Governor has announced that beginning April 1, 2015, all of Hawaii’s hiking trails will be closed to the general public until further notice. The closure includes, but is not limited to, all trails in Hawaii’s National Park System, all state-maintained trails, including those maintained by Hawaii’s Department of Land and Natural Resources. The one exception to the closure is the Lanikai Ridge Trail, because Kailua residents always get what they want.
The Governor, an avid sitter, declined to be interviewed for this story but, issued a written statement. The statement indicated that “Hawaii residents should not let this ban deter them from enjoying the outdoors.” He encouraged people to “set up their video game systems near windows, so that they can occasionally peak out and enjoy the Ko’olau Mountain Range,” adding that he was “pretty good at Donkey Kong back in the day.”
The closure comes days after one of the state’s largest and most powerful entities issued cease & desist emails to local bloggers, requesting the removal of any mention or future reference to [REMOVED], [REMOVED], or the [REMOVED].
According to the bloggers, their websites and social media are not the problem.
“Sure, we’ve got pretty pictures and stuff on our blogs, but hey, it’s not like we’re holding people hostage and telling them … go do this trail, or go do that trail.” said Geoff Feinstein, pictured above and a Hawaii transplant originally from Oregon. “In Oregon, people are actually encouraged to experience the outdoors. They say that it encourages a healthy lifestyle.”
Feinstein added, “I think those people that want us to take our stuff down should consider starting their own blog, or maybe making their own Instagram account. The hashtag #StopHikingInHawaii might actually work if they tried.” He also said that he is “fed up” with the State and other private entities and their ridiculous demands. “What if I wanted to blog about my uncle Tom, whose middle name also happened to be Tom? I really do have an uncle whose name is Thomas Tom, who we call Uncle [REMOVED] for short.”
Haiku resident Ku’ulei Lancaster-Saito added that she’s happy about the trail closures, noting “I see them all the time trying to get exercise with their hiking, you know. Makes me even more mad when they’re in big groups, and always laughing, and smiling. It’s like they’re having a good time.”
U.S. representative Tulsi Gabbard was contacted but was unavailable for comment, though sources suggest that she would discuss the implications of the statewide trail closures with her Guru.