Hawaii To Shut Down All Hiking Trails, Cites Entire State As Being on Private Land

HONOLULU, HAWAII — The Governor has announced that beginning April 1, 2015, all of Hawaii’s hiking trails will be closed to the general public until further notice. The closure includes, but is not limited to, all trails in Hawaii’s National Park System, all state-maintained trails, including those maintained by Hawaii’s Department of Land and Natural Resources. The one exception to the closure is the Lanikai Ridge Trail, because Kailua residents always get what they want.

The Governor, an avid sitter, declined to be interviewed for this story but, issued a written statement. The statement indicated that “Hawaii residents should not let this ban deter them from enjoying the outdoors.” He encouraged people to “set up their video game systems near windows, so that they can occasionally peak out and enjoy the Ko’olau Mountain Range,” adding that he was “pretty good at Donkey Kong back in the day.”

The closure comes days after one of the state’s largest and most powerful entities issued cease & desist emails to local bloggers, requesting the removal of any mention or future reference to [REMOVED], [REMOVED], or the [REMOVED].

According to the bloggers, their websites and social media are not the problem.

“Sure, we’ve got pretty pictures and stuff on our blogs, but hey, it’s not like we’re holding people hostage and telling them … go do this trail, or go do that trail.” said Geoff Feinstein, pictured above and a Hawaii transplant originally from Oregon. “In Oregon, people are actually encouraged to experience the outdoors. They say that it encourages a healthy lifestyle.”

Feinstein added, “I think those people that want us to take our stuff down should consider starting their own blog, or maybe making their own Instagram account. The hashtag #StopHikingInHawaii might actually work if they tried.” He also said that he is “fed up” with the State and other private entities and their ridiculous demands. “What if I wanted to blog about my uncle Tom, whose middle name also happened to be Tom? I really do have an uncle whose name is Thomas Tom, who we call Uncle [REMOVED] for short.”

Haiku resident Ku’ulei Lancaster-Saito added that she’s happy about the trail closures, noting “I see them all the time trying to get exercise with their hiking, you know. Makes me even more mad when they’re in big groups, and always laughing, and smiling. It’s like they’re having a good time.”

U.S. representative Tulsi Gabbard was contacted but was unavailable for comment, though sources suggest that she would discuss the implications of the statewide trail closures with her Guru.

About Coty

Founder of Exploration: Hawaii. Adventure, Minimalism, Vinyl, Typography, and Coffee + Matcha. A single space after a period, please.


  1. Even if such a law were to be enacted it would be Null & VOID of jurisdictional authority from the moment it was enacted since..

    1. Hawai’i is actually an illegally occupied sovereign nation

    2. We the people have reserved to us and to our posterity certain unalienable rights among these being life liberty and the pursuit of happiness, the prerequisite of such rights included the right to travel

    3. The book, who owns the crown lands authored by none other than professor John van Dyke proves the state does not hold title to so called ceded lands

    4. Try and stop me from hiking bitches

  2. Is this real??? Is this a fake post? A joke of some sort? Please tell me it is because I have never heard such BS in my life! Did someone really say play video games near a window so you can enjoy the mountain range? My blood is boiling just thinking about that coment. As a health care professional for someone in any authority position to make a statement like that is absurd! We have a fat, unhealthy, diseased nation! Come on people ! It’s time to put the video games away and get out of your easy chair and exercise! Hiking is o e of the best ways to stay healthy and ENJOY yourself doing it! This beautiful planet we live on is intended for much much more than sitting in houses eating and watching shows about beautiful places. Get out and enjoy it! Just be respectful of it ! Bring out what you bring in (trash etc…) leave every place you hike a little better than how you found it and our future generations can enjoy as well for years to come.

  3. I heard from an inside source that these hikes are where they are going to put the homeless to sit and lie. That’s why they’re shutting them down for the public.

  4. Geez, I can’t believe this state sometimes. We need more healthy activities for our children, not less, or they’ll end up wasting their lives on the internet.

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